I’ve learned a lot of things through parenting.
One of the things I recently discovered is that my son (and to a lesser extent my daughter), learn by watching and emulating what I do and the way I speak to them.
Discovering My Weaknesses
My son is the oldest so he has had the most exposure to both my wife and I. A few years ago, I noticed that he would talk to his younger sister in a voice that I use to talk to him as a small child. I thought this was cute and probably patted myself on the back for having such a caring and helpful son. However as cute as this was, I think subconsciously I noted that his behavior should be watched, and so I set up some mental red flags. I realized that he may be emulating all of my behavior, and I’m not entirely satisfied with all of the ways that I handle things.
It was the beginning of the realization that my actions had more of an impact than just what I was saying to him. Later, I noticed that some of my faults were popping up in his behavior. Some of the ways that I handle things are different from the majority of people, so to see him do likewise, I knew that he was directly learning this from me.
Changing My Behavior
So after this discovery, I realized that I had to change (or grow if you want to be poetic). So these past few years, I’ve been working on controlling my weaknesses around my kids and actually all the time. I’ve been open with my son about my many of my faults and the ways that I’m wrong with how I handle things and that I would try to change.
My son has taken my information and has tried to modify his own behavior, and somewhat successfully too, I might add. That said a side effect was that I anything that I said or tried to teach was discredited instantly. Now I had a new hurdle to jump over (Auggh).
Current Reading
After having a little authority battle with my son a few weeks ago, we’ve adjusted and now we are doing well again. I’ve been working on my weaknesses all the time, because just hiding them from my son didn’t work.
To really get rid of my faults, I had to do that following:
- Realize what your faults are
- Change the permanently, hiding them doesn’t work
- Take periodic readings and watch your kids to see if they change. This is called a feedback loop.
- Do your best, but don’t beat yourself up when little mishaps happen. It take a while to change! Changing yourself is hard.
- Use tools or tricks to change. Such tools could be journal, developing new behaviors, reading, asking for help from family or friends.
Conclusion
At least until your kids are teenagers, you are the teacher for your kids. I’m not necessarily school materials, instead I’m talking about the internal way that they respond to things. They learn the non-measurable behaviors from you. Their confidence, and how they handle their emotions. After all, you are the only teacher that they have until they get older, so it’s natural that they pick up and learn your behavior and mannerisms.
Love your kids,
MR
It really is amazing how much you your kids can learn from you and what you can learn about yourself at the same time. When I was young I picked up a lot of my parents bad habits- their over reacting personality, their hyperness, their low self esteem. It has taken me many years to undo a lot of this. They taught me some good stuff too but they weren’t careful enough with making sure I didn’t learn the not so good stuff. I will definitely make an effort to make sure I can influence my children in a positive way.
You’re parents sounds a lot like my parents 🙂
That’s what I had to fight with my personality too. Not everything is an emergency, and just because my son/daughter doesn’t do something my way doesn’t make it wrong. It was hard for me to adjust, but I’m on my way 🙂
It’s amazing how much kids pick up from your normal routine everyday behavior. I say “maaaannnnn” all the time and my niece and nephew picked it almost immediately!
Yeah, once I realize that my son sounded like a little mini-me when he was talking to my daughter, I realize that I had to change 🙂
Mr, you continue to amaze me. I think anyone who is open as you are about your mistakes and how you are working towards changing is a great parent. Keep up the good work! I will keep reading. 🙂
Thanks, believe it or not, but blogging about it make me more aware of my progress and keeps me focused on it.
Thanks for the compliment too 🙂
Teenagers will test your skills, no doubt. And it seems they become one almost overnight. Gotta be quick and nimble…
Thanks for the advice, I’ll try to say on my toes. I’ve been picking my the activies I do with my kids lately.
I don’t really want to be a cool dad, but I do want to be an actively involved dad.
Afew years ago, I asked my children what we did to make them successful. Was it the long talks, exposure to investing, working in the restaurant, or the private school education? To my surprise, it was the example my wife and I set. The observed how we handled things and learned from it.
Good to hear! That is the path that I would like to explore too. If I can show them and make some money at the same time, all the better 🙂
This is so wise. Too many parents think they are infallible and don’t need to change. We are all learning in this life. When you stop learning you start drying up, cracking, and dieing.
You are a trerrific example to your son and I’m sure to your daughter too. As you say, they imitate what we do, not so much what we say. They are careful observers! You are taking the steps to improve your relationship with your kids and it will pay off many times over! It IS hard, but it is so worth it. Congrats on doing something so important!
Thanks for the compliment, I want to give them stability and a strong base to build upon. The changing for the better in me was a surprise that I hadn’t anticipated. But if it gives my kids a leg up, I’ll do it 🙂
Kids can be remarkably perceptive. Their behaviors and opinions are clearly influenced by the home environment. I wonder about their personalities too (can this be changed)? Regardless, I am glad you observing your children carefully.
While I can’t speak about all kids, I can say that I’ve notice my son settle down after I changed and told him that the way I use to handle things was wrong. I think he has changed a little, but just a small shift. I don’t think he’ll be able to go to the opposited end of the spectrum. But imho, he’s pretty close to perfect already.
Profound post MR! Besides teaching your kids, I find it fascinating that your kids are also helping you change your weaknesses. Your openess with your shortcomings is awesome, but can you shield some of it from you kids so you don’t run into the new issue (teachings being discredited) as much? Great stuff!
Thanks 🙂
It’s not easy changing aspects of your being. Actually, I don’t think I have that many shortcomings, but getting overly excited about things was definitely one. The other biggy was over criticizing people and event. I’ve since chilled out.
I think I’m a better person now that we have kids…
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I notice this when I see my son playing with my daughter and even more when I see my 3 year old playing with her baby sister. With the 3 year old, I see the good aspects of my behavior, but I see some of the bad side when my 7 year old says, “I am really tired today. Can we go out to eat?” 🙂
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