I’ve learned a lot of things through parenting.

One of the things I recently discovered is that my son (and to a lesser extent my daughter), learn by watching and emulating what I do and the way I speak to them.

Discovering My Weaknesses

My son is the oldest so he has had the most exposure to both my wife and I.  A few years ago, I noticed that he would talk to his younger sister in a voice that I use to talk to him as a small child.  I thought this was cute and probably patted myself on the back for having such a caring and helpful son.  However as cute as this was, I think subconsciously I noted that his behavior should be watched, and so I set up some mental red flags.  I realized that he may be emulating all of my behavior, and I’m not entirely satisfied with all of the ways that I handle things.

It was the beginning of the realization that my actions had more of an impact than just what I was saying to him.  Later, I noticed that some of my faults were popping up in his behavior.  Some of the ways that I handle things are different from the majority of people, so to see him do likewise, I knew that he was directly learning this from me.

Changing My Behavior

So after this discovery, I realized that I had to change (or grow if you want to be poetic).  So these past few years, I’ve been working on controlling my weaknesses around my kids and actually all the time.  I’ve been open with my son about my many of my faults and the ways that I’m wrong with how I handle things and that I would try to change.

My son has taken my information and has tried to modify his own behavior, and somewhat successfully too, I might add.  That said a side effect was that I anything that I said or tried to teach was discredited instantly.  Now I had a new hurdle to jump over (Auggh).

Current Reading

After having a little authority battle with my son a few weeks ago, we’ve adjusted and now we are doing well again.  I’ve been working on my weaknesses all the time, because just hiding them from my son didn’t work.

To really get rid of my faults, I had to do that following:

1. Realize what your faults are
2. Change the permanently, hiding them doesn’t work
3. Take periodic readings and watch your kids to see if they change.  This is called a feedback loop.
4. Do your best, but don’t beat yourself up when little mishaps happen.  It take a while to change!  Changing yourself is hard.
5. Use tools or tricks to change.  Such tools could be journal, developing new behaviors, reading, asking for help from family or friends.

Conclusion

At least until your kids are teenagers, you are the teacher for your kids.  I’m not necessarily school materials, instead I’m talking about the internal way that they respond to things.  They learn the non-measurable behaviors from you.  Their confidence, and how they handle their emotions.  After all, you are the only teacher that they have until they get older, so it’s natural that they pick up and learn your behavior and mannerisms.

Love your kids,

MR